Well, at least I thought I was her best friend. One of the very first people I met after we moved to Missouri, outside of my husband's co-workers turned out to be one of the biggest emotional roller coasters I have ever endured in my entire life. This girl was loud, funny, caring, full of life, and kind hearted. Granted, she did not always have her head on her shoulders right but she had had a rough time growing up and her other qualities made up for what she was lacking in the area of common sense and good judgement. On more than one occasion I opened my home to this girl when she needed a place to lay her head. I tried my best to pick up the pieces of her life when she was having a hard go at it. Once, this even meant having to separate myself from her to give her time to realize that I couldn't help her if she wouldn't heed my advice. More than once I was put in situation which made me uncomfortable and proved that she had been talking about me and my family behind our back. Of course, I forgave and those times I even allowed myself to forget more than I ever would have for anyone else. For three years I gave her so much of my time, energy, a huge place in my mind, and an even bigger place in my heart. All until one day she allowed me to be written out of her life completely.
The trouble all began when she met the man should would end up marrying. At first I was so happy for her because she really truly deserved to be happy. However, once I got to know this guy I realized that he was not a good person. He constantly put her down, calling her fat, lazy, stupid, worthless, disgusting, ect. He slowly began to isolate her from friends and the little family that she did have. On the extremely rare occasion she was allowed to leave the house to see friends without him he either A. Called her constantly or B. Sent his son along with her. This insured that she never had a chance to vent about their relationship. We did of course find little ways around it. I was watching my best friend go from this super happy, spunky girl to a miserable shell of who she once was. All the while, I was pretending to like him so that he wouldn't push me out of her life too. Finally enough was enough. I couldn't allow this to keep happening. I spoke with a counselor and she told me that the worst thing I could do was keep someone else's secrets for them. I told my friend that I loved her and would always be there for her no matter what but that I couldn't continue with the charade any longer. Of course she was upset with me but something had to be said because they had been asking to take my son out of town with them. It was completely against my better judgement to allow him to be around a man who treats women like garbage and throws around racial slurs like they're meaningless. Furthermore, his 10 year old son even has derogatory names he uses for people of other races. There was no way that I wanted my child picking that up. So that is when shit hit the fan. Our relationship now consisted of secret messages when he wasn't around and secret phone calls on her way to work or school. It sucked but I was willing to deal with it because I needed her to understand that I was there for her regardless. Anytime, any day, I would be there. Then one day all communication stopped. Both me and my husband were blocked from her Facebook, she stopped calling, it was as if she basically disappeared. This wasn't the first time that had happened. There was one other time where she had deleted me before he had the chance to look through her Facebook friends so he wouldn't be mad but she added me back the next day. So I figured I would give it time. Days went by, then weeks and nothing at all.
I went through all sorts of emotions. I was all over the spectrum from being hurt, angry, heart broken, to down right furious with her. Then I realized that maybe I needed to step back and reevaluate the situation. They always say that hindsight is 20/20 so maybe it was time to get a better view of what was really happening and learn from it.
What I realized was that I never meant as much to her as she always told me that I had. When you tell someone that you love them, more than just a friend and that they mean that much to you, there is no way you would allow them to be written out of your life. The question remains though, was it 100% her choice or did she allow him to make it for her? Either way she had a choice. There were many times that my husband told me to give up on her because I was letting her drag me down. He said I was wasting too much of my time and energy trying to help someone who wasn't ready or willing to be helped. I did not listen though because I loved her and I needed to know that she was okay and happy. I could not just let her fall out of my life because if something was to happen to her I would never be able to forgive myself. These thoughts consumed my mind almost all of the time. I was so worried about where she was, if he had done something to her. Was today one of the good days where he was nice, or was she crying all alone with no one to talk to since he wouldn't allow me to be that person for her. Finally I came to the conclusion that the loss wasn't fresh and recent. It had slowly been happening right before my eyes but I was too blind to see it.
That happy go lucky girl hadn't been happy in a very long time. She wasn't so kind hearted anymore either. Many times on the phone I overheard her husband talking trash about her friends and family while she just laughed and joined in. He used derogatory words to describe her friend's husband and their children because he found their interracial relationship disgusting. She didn't even speak up when he called her sister 'trash'. I am sure that when I wasn't around or on the phone I was the focus of his hate. This realization made it easier for me to let her go. Would I still be there for her if she needed me? Absolutely. Is there a small part of me that wishes she would bang on the door, in her obnoxious way even though she knows she can walk in, and say "I left him, can I stay here?" Most definitely. Would our relationship ever be the same? Absolutely not. I will always love her because I do not love easily and when I do it is hard for me to let it go but I would never be able to trust her again. Who knows, maybe this is the end of our friendship forever because soon we will be leaving Missouri and I will no longer be close enough for her to run to. Maybe I will never hear from her again but I do hope that I do. There is something empty without her around, I miss her, even if our relationship would never be the same.
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