Don't walk away and think you can walk back in like nothing happened!

I wrote a while back about mourning the loss of a friendship. I thought that putting my feelings out there would be therapeutic and it most certainly was. I was able to put all of my feelings out there and it made me feel so much better. I finally felt like I could let go once and for all, and I did. The problem is, this so called "friend" seems to keep popping in and out of my life. I of course accepted the request on Instagram because I am a sucker and wanted to know how she was doing but a couple days after the request and the "Lets be friends again post" with #AB, BAM she was gone again. At that point I decided I was completely done. Then last night, low and behold I have a message from her on Pinterest. I did not answer because I have decided that as much as I cared and still do care about here I am not going to sneak around like we're doing something wrong.

I have realized that it is true, people will learn to treat you based on what you accept from them. If you are in a crappy relationship of any kind but you allow the other party to continue to walk over you then you can lay the blame on yourself. You have to set higher standards for what you will accept if you want to live a better life. With that in mind, I have decided there are a few things I will no longer accept in my life from anyone and here are a few of them:

• I will no longer accept things in my life that are against the very foundations of what I believe.
• This is what ultimately led to the "end" of that friendship. I never said I wouldn't be her friend anymore but I refused to lower my standards to be around the negative people in her life.
• I fought far to hard to distance myself from the negativity that plagued so much of my life in the past. If I am willing to lose family because of their horrible ideals, why would I put up with it from anyone else?
• If you cannot be a part of my life in public, I want nothing to do in private. 
• I put entirely too much of my life on hold to try and solve the problems of other people and I get nothing but pain in return. If it is so easy for you to write me out of your life to make the other people in it happy, then clearly you do not want me around. That being said, do not try to be sneaky and message me in obscure places like Pinterest where you won't be find out.
• Being someone's secret in any fashion is demeaning and self-deprecating. This is something that EVERYONE should realize!
• I will no longer pretend that the pain and hurt people cause me simply did not happen.
• I spent far too much of my life letting this happen in romantic relationships and I'll be damned if I am going to reenact it in so-called friendships. 
• If you walk away from me like I mean nothing to you, then you better believe that you will NOT stroll back into my life like nothing ever happened.
• If someone wants back into my life, they are going to have to show me that they truly want to be in it. 
• Until then...............

I survived my first semester at grad school, Now what?

It has recently come to my attention that I have not written anything here in quite a while... *I am lookin' at you Jess!* I could say that I have been busy with grad school, but I would really have to admit to all the procrastination I did in various other forms: Pinterest, Facebook, perusing Instagram, making crafts, reading non-school related stuff, ect. All the while I SHOULD have been busy with school related things.

I need this pic at my desk!!

I did somehow manage to survive. I turned in all of my projects with like 6 hours to spare, with minimal blood, sweat, and tears! Actually, there was no blood, sweat, and tears involved so clearly EVERYONE should believe in miracles because those projects were freaking tedious! Ever had to write an insanely detailed research proposal for a paper you do not have to write?? It is illogical in every way and it will make you bitter! Nevertheless, I did get them done and I tell you, I put that BA in "BS" to good use! I do not think I have ever pulled so much BS out of nowhere to fluff up a paper and drag it out to the required length. 

As relieved as I am that I have a two week break, I do feel kind of lost. I had the best night sleep I have had in weeks last night because I did not have tons of assignments weighing on my mind. Granted, I have plenty of other things on my mind but that a whole 'nother post! 

I guess now I can see how many books I can read over break to occupy my time! :) 

CAUTION: Emotionally Draining Week Ahead!

My husband has a four day weekend which is FANTASTIC, but in all honesty we probably need it to prepare ourselves for next week. On Tuesday we have to travel 2 hours to see his orthopedic surgeon for a high resolution MRI because there is  pretty big possibility that he re-injured the knee he had surgery on in March. If that is the case, we will then have to discuss another surgery using a graft from a cadaver to fix it. Then on Thursday I FINALLY have man ultrasound scheduled for the lump in my breast. I have been told that they discuss possibilities with you same day so we should have some answers or at least an idea of what is happening. On top of all of that I SHOULD find out the results of my pap which is always nerve racking because I have had abnormal ones before and I really dislike the idea of another cervical biopsy OUCH! That's kind of been at the back of my mind though because my main focus has been on knees and boobs!

To cap off the week on Friday we have our 7th wedding anniversary. I can definitely say that it has been a crazy 7 years. We have had our ups and downs like all couples but we are in an amazing place right now. Hopefully come Friday we will have only good news to celebrate but I know in my heart that if there is bad news we will get through it. That's the good thing about having an amazing partner, you know that no matter what is going on yo have someone who will stand by your side. Next week might be draining but we will totally make it through!

Feeling homesick for the first time in a very long time!

I know that 'they' say Home is Where the Heart is, but I don't think that my heart is in Missouri anymore. Don't get me wrong, my heart is always with my husband and kids but I have found myself growing more and more homesick. The last of the people who I would actually call friends are leaving soon which really sucks. Although, during our time together Jess has taught me to always find the silver lining in every situation. This particular situation is helping me disconnect with Missouri which makes leaving in a few months easier. However, there is still big challenges that lie ahead for our family. The kind of stuff that you need real friends or family around for.

This fall, if all goes well, I will be having a major surgery. Granted, it is elective but something that I really need. I'll get into all that later when I feel ready to share all the details about the procedure. The point is, it would be really nice to have people around during my stay in the hospital. Surgery is scary and my husband, my amazing husband, will have so much on his plate taking care of the house, pets, and kids during my hospital stay and recovery so I really cannot expect him to be with me every minute. I like some alone time as much as the next person, I just don't like it in strange places around people I don't know. :/ That is neither here nor there though because more a more pressing matter presented itself yesterday.

I had been having weird dreams and a feeling that something just wasn't right. Granted, the dreams were more than likely due to my anxiety meds and I always feel uneasy but this was different. I was 99% sure that I had felt a lump in my breast and even made my husband check it too. At first, he agreed that there was a lump but then wavered back and forth between yes and no the million times I had him check it in the month or so between discovering it and my doctor's  appointment. So, fast forward to yesterday I as am sitting 'gown open to the front', miserable and waiting what seemed like an eternity for the doctor to finally come in and get the dreaded 'well-woman' exam over with and my anxiety kicks into high gear. My head is going a million directions at once; "What if there is something there? What would that mean? Not necessarily something dangerous, right? What if there is nothing and the doctor thinks I am a nutcase? He probably already thinks I am this overly emotional ball of anxiety anyway! Where is he? What is taking forever?" It just kept going on and on. Finally the doctor came in. He asks if I have been doing breast exams and for once the answer is actually yes but I explain that I believe there is a lump in my left breast. So he does his exam, which of course is miserable, and when he finishes he says he needs to order tests. My heart felt like it fell out of my chest. He tells the nurse to order a mammogram of my left breast and an ultrasound for both. Seriously?! I am 28 and I have to have a mammogram, its really not something you expect. I think I would much rather have been crazy and imagining the lump. So, I ask him if he felt anything or if it was just a precaution and he explains that he too felt a lump in the exact place and that coupled with the burning pain I felt when he pushed on it was concerning. Now, we're back in full panic mode!! 

When I tried to schedule the tests with radiology they tell me that since I am so young, they will check if they will even do the mammogram and get back to me by Wednesday. Seriously?! If the damn doctor ordered the test, there is obviously a fucking reason woman! So now, as I wait for the call back I am just thinking of how nice it would be to not do this all alone. My husband can't be with me because he will have to stay with the kids. I have plenty of acquaintances around here but no one that I would want with me for something so personal and I really don't trust them with my kids for that matter so that I could free my husband up to be with me. It's just a scary thing to go through when you feel so far from everyone. I wish I could be like Dorothy but instead of clicking my heels to go home I want to bring a couple people to me. Of course, I can't. Everyone has responsibilities that they cannot leave behind.

It is times like this that I really miss my mommy and my granny. I really wish that I could at least talk to them. Even though they would be over 800 miles away, I know that they could offer words of encouragement and make me believe that everything will be just fine. 

 It is times like this that I wonder why I wanted to grow up so fast in the first place. 

Winter is Coming....

I know, I know, we're not in Westeros. It is July in Missouri so winter is nowhere in the near future but there is so many changes happening in my life right now that I feel like the people in Game of Thrones preparing for a long hard winter. 

Granted, the changes happening in my life will not result in anything as drastic as a long winter in Westeros but I am not a big fan of change unless I can control it or at the very least know exactly what is going to happen so that I can plan. The only thing I am sure of is that we're dealing with the Army so there is very very little that I actually know for certain. I just have this huge amount of worry and frustration bearing down on me and there is absolutely nothing that I can do to lighten the load or change it in any way. 

The one thing that I do know is that my husband is going through a Medboard. Turns out, neurological disorders are frowned upon in the military, especially ones which cannot be controlled with medication. This means that he will most definitely be getting out of the Army but under what circumstances we cannot be sure of yet. A) He could be medically discharged or B) He could be medically retired. The two options are very different so there is no way to make a plan which will work for both. Its all based on percentages as to whether or not it A or B and right now its looking more like option B. Still though, nothing is certain until it is certain. So basically I have about a million ideas running through my head right now about what is going to happen after he gets out. The only thing we know for certain is roughly where we plan to live after making this transition. Beyond that it is all up in the air. 

I do have a savings plan in place which will provide a large cushion for our family as we make the transition from military back to civilian life but that's basically all I have planned. Of course anyone who knows anything about the Army knows that its "hurry up and wait" so we're jut flying by the seat of our pants right now and I am not to thrilled about it. I really truly can embrace change IF I have all the variables laid out before me. Right now, I have nothing but a rough estimate on the time frame and a huge list of things to get done in preparation. 

I am trying to stay calm and just let things happen on their own time, even though it goes against my very nature but that is all I can do for now. It will be nice to have a new adventure and a chance to start over somewhere new.

 We really haven't told many people so it is nice to finally open up about it just a little bit. It kind of makes me feel like I am less alone in what I am going through even if I am sharing it with strangers on a blog. :) 

Some Girls Want Shoes, Clothes, Jewels... Me? I Want an Office!

I am definitely NOT the typical wife. Instead of jewelry, fancy clothes, and shoes, I would much rather have a nice organized office with lots of cute stuff to decorate it. For now I have to settle for an office area because we do not have an extra room available for me to call my own. So, recently we gave my office area a much needed makeover. After much mumbling and grumbling from my husband about how he will never put anything from Ikea together ever again, my little corner has been transformed into a private little slice of heaven. Here are some before and after shots of the transformation!

Before:

Notice how there was zero privacy and separation from the rest of the room.

After:

Now, I am much more secluded and can work with less distraction or in my case, less temptation for procrastination :)

It is amazing how much something as simple as a furniture upgrade can make the world seem a little brighter. I have slowly been trying to make my office area my own as I have begun to embark on my journey through grad school and now I can say it feels much more complete. 

I have an obsession.... with IKEA!

Okay, so the whole blog can't be all doom and gloom right? So, I ordered some office furniture from Ikea. I have literally been looking at this stuff and wishing I had it for pretty much EVER. Seeing as how we life in Fort Lost in the Woods Missouri, there is not an Ikea anywhere close so I was forced to order it. Needless to say, I am ashamed of how much I paid for shipping :( but it is going to be totally worth it.

Best part about it is, they called my husband to set up a delivery time today. They will be here tomorrow between 10-2! My furniture is so close I can almost see it sitting in the little corner I have established as my office. I am super excited to finally have good quality furniture instead of my "good enough for now" desk!

Here is what I ordered:

Hemnes Desk in Black-Brown

Hemnes Sofa Table & The boxes pictured with it :)

Hemnes Desk add-on unit which I plan to use with the desk, thanks to inspiration from Pinterest.

I will definitely be posting before and after pictures of my office area!