I know that 'they' say Home is Where the Heart is, but I don't think that my heart is in Missouri anymore. Don't get me wrong, my heart is always with my husband and kids but I have found myself growing more and more homesick. The last of the people who I would actually call friends are leaving soon which really sucks. Although, during our time together Jess has taught me to always find the silver lining in every situation. This particular situation is helping me disconnect with Missouri which makes leaving in a few months easier. However, there is still big challenges that lie ahead for our family. The kind of stuff that you need real friends or family around for.
This fall, if all goes well, I will be having a major surgery. Granted, it is elective but something that I really need. I'll get into all that later when I feel ready to share all the details about the procedure. The point is, it would be really nice to have people around during my stay in the hospital. Surgery is scary and my husband, my amazing husband, will have so much on his plate taking care of the house, pets, and kids during my hospital stay and recovery so I really cannot expect him to be with me every minute. I like some alone time as much as the next person, I just don't like it in strange places around people I don't know. :/ That is neither here nor there though because more a more pressing matter presented itself yesterday.
I had been having weird dreams and a feeling that something just wasn't right. Granted, the dreams were more than likely due to my anxiety meds and I always feel uneasy but this was different. I was 99% sure that I had felt a lump in my breast and even made my husband check it too. At first, he agreed that there was a lump but then wavered back and forth between yes and no the million times I had him check it in the month or so between discovering it and my doctor's appointment. So, fast forward to yesterday I as am sitting 'gown open to the front', miserable and waiting what seemed like an eternity for the doctor to finally come in and get the dreaded 'well-woman' exam over with and my anxiety kicks into high gear. My head is going a million directions at once; "What if there is something there? What would that mean? Not necessarily something dangerous, right? What if there is nothing and the doctor thinks I am a nutcase? He probably already thinks I am this overly emotional ball of anxiety anyway! Where is he? What is taking forever?" It just kept going on and on. Finally the doctor came in. He asks if I have been doing breast exams and for once the answer is actually yes but I explain that I believe there is a lump in my left breast. So he does his exam, which of course is miserable, and when he finishes he says he needs to order tests. My heart felt like it fell out of my chest. He tells the nurse to order a mammogram of my left breast and an ultrasound for both. Seriously?! I am 28 and I have to have a mammogram, its really not something you expect. I think I would much rather have been crazy and imagining the lump. So, I ask him if he felt anything or if it was just a precaution and he explains that he too felt a lump in the exact place and that coupled with the burning pain I felt when he pushed on it was concerning. Now, we're back in full panic mode!!
When I tried to schedule the tests with radiology they tell me that since I am so young, they will check if they will even do the mammogram and get back to me by Wednesday. Seriously?! If the damn doctor ordered the test, there is obviously a fucking reason woman! So now, as I wait for the call back I am just thinking of how nice it would be to not do this all alone. My husband can't be with me because he will have to stay with the kids. I have plenty of acquaintances around here but no one that I would want with me for something so personal and I really don't trust them with my kids for that matter so that I could free my husband up to be with me. It's just a scary thing to go through when you feel so far from everyone. I wish I could be like Dorothy but instead of clicking my heels to go home I want to bring a couple people to me. Of course, I can't. Everyone has responsibilities that they cannot leave behind.
It is times like this that I really miss my mommy and my granny. I really wish that I could at least talk to them. Even though they would be over 800 miles away, I know that they could offer words of encouragement and make me believe that everything will be just fine.
It is times like this that I wonder why I wanted to grow up so fast in the first place.
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